Tuesday, Jul. 26, 2005 - 11:43 a.m.
That's it, he's really gone. He just stopped by in the middle of the day to inquire how much I need to get a new apartment. Cold and distant don't begin to describe the demeanor.
Yes, he is being an incredibly stand-up guy in helping me out financially. He is a true gentleman.
But will never again be my partner, my love, my best friend.
I know it's best that we don't see each other...it's been killing me to be so close to him, yet out of reach, watching the pain and confusion he's going through and not being able to help.
Needing him so much, not wanting to believe we could just let go. That he can just move on with no backwards glance.
We belong together. And he's gone. Lost.
We will see each other again so I can hand back his computer and he can write a check for an apartment. And that's all.
I've lost. I'm lost. With no recourse. I think he's relieved to go. I know I was too honest with him, but I found it impossible to lie to him, even by omission.
I have tried everything to get him to compromise, to try to work things out. The obvious and only conclusion is that he has no interest in doing so,that what we had together meant so little to him that it's not worth the bother. That I mean so little to him.
I know he is concerned for me, that he worries, knowing the train wreck my life has once again become.
His concern is not what I need,though.
Now, we have both built walls, where before we built bridges. I pretended distance and unconcern when he was here...I suspect that on his part it is no longer pretense.
There is nothing right about any of this.
I still feel that someday he will realize what he has given up. Now, though, I am afraid that if that ever happens it will be too late. Too late for me, too late for us.
I really believed until just now that we would work things out, that we could do no other. Now, I know that it is truly over. There is nothing left.
