Monday, Jul. 18, 2005 - 11:09 p.m.
Drinking never fixed anything, but O Lord, it makes the short term easier. I know I said the last one was my last post, but three hours and nine whiskeys later (on an empty stomach) setting up a new diary is far too complex.
How dare he throw me away like this? How dare he cry and feel sorry for himself while doing it? I have nothing. He kept me from getting a job, so now I have no idea how I will even be eating tomorrow, let alone how I will pay for a new apartment etc. At least he gave me forty bucks to drink with. Of course, I had to ask for it.
I lose my apartment in six weeks. I have rent due in two weeks. My phone and internet hookup will disappear at any time, since my phone bill is due and my roomate disappeared. It's summer in New Orleans...no service industry jobs, and even the cocktail waitress job at the Gold Club is no longer available. I checked. No one is hiring. I have no prospects. I have nothing. He still has everything, plus a new adventure in Houston. Yes, he lost me, which any sane person would consider an enormous blow, but if he were sane none of this would have happened. He has no concept of cause and effect. He thinks he can just walk away. He's in for a surprise when he discovers the wasteland that is his life without me. I am the only one who ever understood him, ever really appreciated him. And he threw me away because of outdated social morals from the middle ages. He blames it on his Catholic upbringing. I blame it on cowardice. I am not feeling very empathetic right now. I'm sure later I will feel sorry for him and what he's lost through his fears and self-doubt, but for now, I see the stark reality of my life...the absolute uncertainty and total loss. This time next month, I will have no money no home and no Thomas. I know the general consensus is "good riddance", but I can't feel that. He took the best parts of me with him. I lost everything when he turned his back on me and our future together, and I am just now beginning to get an inkling of all that that entails.
Gods help me, because I can't see any clear path to help myself. If anyone has a couch I can sleep on, get in touch with me asap.
I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to start. I don't much care at this point. I just want to give up.
