Monday, Jul. 18, 2005 - 12:01 p.m.
Things are not looking good, my friends. Several of you have sent me emails expressing confusion...He has everything to lose by leaving me here, and very little to lose by taking me with him, so what's the problem? Believe me, I do empathize with that position, but it goes a little deeper than that.
If he takes me with him and things don't work out, we both will have invested a great deal in terms of emotions and time...I think he feels that it would be even more painful to lose me later. He says he feels hopeful about us, but I think his fears will overcome his hopes. He doesn't have the background of risk-taking that I do. He had his heart broken last year, and is terrified of having it happen again.
My take on things is much simpler...If we take a chance and fail, we will at least know that we tried. And I see no reason for failure...This decision is most likely the most difficult we would ever have to make together.
There is no question that we love each other, need each other. He is worried because this has all happened so fast, within six weeks we have grown amazingly close. And yet, he feels this is too soon for such a large risk. He seems to be thinking in terms of comitment...that taking me with him would entail some sort of promise. I don't see it that way...but he hasn't known me long enough to really know on a gut level that I would jump at this chance for adventure even if True Love were not involved.
Some of you have known me long enough to remember how I just packed up and moved to Seattle on a whim, not knowing anyone or having a place to live or work arranged. Just seemed like the thing to do at the time. And how two years later, I packed up on a whim and moved back to San Francisco. Or the time I sold all my furniture and electronics and spent six months just traveling around the country with a backpack and four hundred dollars. Admittedly, I was much younger then, but the wanderlust and need for new horizons is still very much present.
If he took me to Houston, I, at least, would not see it as an implied comitment...If things didn't work out, I would at least have had more time with him. If I stay here, we lose each other definately, forever. If I go, we would at least have a chance at a future. Sometimes you just have to throw in your chips and roll the dice. What the hell, we'd at least have some great stories to tell.
But back to reality...the choice is not mine to make. He's four years younger than I am, and less experienced in the ways of the world. He's also coming off a recent heartbreak, and understandably doesn't want to risk that again. I guess that ending things now would represent a bend rather than a break. *grin*
I will not think less of him for the decision I feel sure he will make...He's fairly conservative in a lot of ways, more grounded than I am. And because of those traits, he will always come out on top in every situation. I have nothing but admiration for him,and I will miss him every day of my life, but his happiness is paramount to me. I feel enormously priveleged to have had this time with him, but life is not a faerie tale, no matter how much I wish it were otherwise. There are no happy endings.
