Monday, Jul. 18, 2005 - 8:45 p.m.
This is my last post,kiddies. Send me an email and I'll let you know where I'm moving to. I'm not giving him the satisfaction of the illusion of contact through my words. I'm not letting him be a voyeur on my grieving.
Yes, he just stopped by to let me know he's leaving me behind. You see, the problem is that he equates cohabitation with serious comitment. Or at least that's the reason this time.As if I haven't spent every night for the past five weeks at his home, even when he was out of town. As if most of my stuff hadn't already been over there. As if random houseguests mistake themselves for housewives. There was nothing formal, but I was living there kinda by default. Which is all besides the point.
The point is,he was using me for comfort companionship and great sex. He convinced himself, and me, that this was something real...faerie-tale True Love where happy endings aren't just possible but mandatory.
I tried to end things on Friday, he wouldn't let me, made me believe there was hope, that there was a good chance he would take me with him, that he just had to conquer his fears. He lied to himself, and to me. And has left me in a completely untenable position. And has left me.
He was in tears, saying how he loves me and needs me and will never find anyone like me, how afraid he is of being alone, how desperately he misses me when we're apart for only 24 hours. If all that were true, he would take any risks to be with me and make things work. And the truth is, there is almost no risk involved for him. And he wants to stay in contact. To be friends. Anyone heard that before?
Yes, my friends, that must be love.
Welcome to the largest train wreck ever...My life is one failure after another, one pain followed by another. And now, I'm back where I started...only now I know what I'm missing.
There is no justice.
