Sunday, Jul. 17, 2005 - 1:31 p.m.
My anxiety is increasing minute by minute on an exponential basis...Thomas is uncertain what to do with me, and vacillates between "I can't live without you" and "It's all too much too fast. Don't worry, I'll take care of you". I'll take care of you...does that mean he'll throw money at me to salve his conscience for convincing me to stay, or that he's having me fitted for cement boots?
He says he's not yet prepared to think things through and make decisions, and I certainly don't want to press him on this, but my uncertainty is gnawing at me. He has two months to make a decision, I have almost no time at all. I need to get a job, pack up my belongings, find a new apartment (Thanks, Monica),find a new roomate, all in less than a month. My time for decision-making is extremely limited.
If he decides to take me to Houston, I need to know almost immediately...I would need to pack everything, dispose of much stuff, find homes for all my furniture, and say my goodbyes...Just tracking down all my friends would take weeks.
If he decides not to take me to Houston, I need to know almost immediately...Packing, apartment hunting, job hunting, roomate hunting...all these things take time, which is the one commodity I have far too little of.
I wish I had had the backbone to stand my ground and leave him gracefully...He wore me down with logic, damn him, and a romantic idealism I long to believe in. Unfortunately, time is so short for me that I have to be coldly realistic in all of my assessments.
If we had had more time, we could have seen where our relationship is going, we could have made these decisions slowly and together. If we had more time, I wouldn't have to pressure him into some sort of resolution. If we had more time,I wouldn't have to panic.
But, realistically, we have no time at all. I can't wait for results, I have to live my life now...I have to support myself, and make my own choices.
I think he resents my need for resolution, that he feels pressured and trapped. This is not likely to win me the outcome I desire. But I have no choice. Time is the constraining factor, and it has far more serious repercussions for my life than for his.
I don't see much hope for us, for a future together...Time is too short, for both of us. By this time next week, I will either have a decision from him, or will make one of my own. And we all know what that decision would have to be. Long distance relationships won't work for me, and I'm not the type of woman to wait for any man, not even this one who I love to the point of pain.
Think happy thoughts for us, my dears. And save your pennies just in case you have to console me with whiskey next week.
