Wednesday, Jul. 13, 2005 - 7:48 a.m.
Pessimism has a way of seeming prescient in hindsight.
There is still a very slight chance Thomas may get an extension to stay here in New Orleans...about the same odds as me winning the Irish Sweepstakes without a ticket. He was offered the job in Houston, and the only real option he has is to take it. We have been together for only a month, and he will be leaving in six weeks. Note the pronoun there. I will be staying here. My friends are here. I have obligations to my roomate...I can't just up and leave, stranding her with the full rent,bills,etc. I can't walk away from eight years of friends and family with such short notice. Six weeks is not enough time to pare down my belongings, pack, and move to another state. Six weeks is not enough time for anything.
Which is all a moot point, since I have not and will not be invited to move to Houston.
And I am constitutionally incapable of dealing with a nebulous long-distance relationship full of uncertainties. I won't get into the reasoning, but my fragile state of sanity is dependent on some degree of stability and control. I dearly wish it was otherwise, but realistically I can't expect to change a lifetime's personality development.
I told Thomas last night that we can be together the next six weeks, and in two years, if he makes it back to New Orleans, maybe we could pick up the pieces and try again. But in six weeks this is over.
He did not take this news well. Neither did I. Hurting him makes me bleed...My pain was eclipsed by witnessing his and knowing it was caused by me, by my cowardice and inability to change.
I do believe that in the long run, it's better for this faerie tale to end now, after only a month, rather than further down the line when our feelings for each other are even more entrenched. I desperately wish it didn't have to end at all, ever, but fate is taking him in a new direction, away from me.
I knew from the start that this was possible, even likely, but I fooled myself into believing that I could be allowed a happy ending. We never really had a chance...More time would have allowed us to explore this relationship and our feelings, to see if we could overcome our fears and insecurities enough to start a new adventure, together, in Houston or elsewhere. More time would have made it possible for us to grow together. More time would have made anything possible.
Time is the one thing we do not have. I couldn't face twenty-odd days out of every month without him, never knowing for sure when I would see him again, trying to live vicariously through email and phone calls, knowing he was creating a new home, exploring a new city, meeting new people, without me. We could only grow apart in those circumstances, and the inevitable parting would be that much more cruel for the false hope we would have allowed ourselves. It is kinder to both of us to end things now, though it sure doesn't feel like it.
I feel torn apart, a fragile collection of open wounds held together only by will power. Watching his smile disappear, seeing his eyes go dark, and knowing that I am the cause of his pain was the hardest thing I have ever been through.
I woke up after three hours of fitful sleep to find my pillow wet from crying even in my dreams. I hate this. I feel trapped, even knowing that I caused this.
I knew all along that this could happen, and I was willing to suffer it for the pure joy we have had together. I wouldn't change a minute, not a second. Five weeks with him living all my dreams was worth anything I must pay. I just wish he didn't have to pay as well.
I love him, with all my heart, and knowing that our lives must be spent apart is more painful than I can express. It tears me up to see him loving me, loving me so much he accepts that I have to do this even though he can't really understand why. He begged me to give us a chance, to live so many miles apart, see each other as often as could be managed, to give us time. And I can't do it, not even to make him happy. I feel like such a bastard, like a coward. It makes my love for him look shallow and small. I would walk through fire for him, I would pull up my roots and follow him wherever he would lead, but I can't deal with the fears and loneliness of being so far apart, for so long, uncertainty with no end in sight, loving him more each day, missing him more each day. I don't have that kind of strength and courage. Right now, I despise myself for my weakness. I am destroying our one real shot at happiness, knowingly, because I am too weak to suffer for a couple of years.
I am such a dumbass.
And I hurt.
I love him so very much.
And I broke our hearts.
I wish I could be whole. I wish I could spend the next thirty years in his arms, growing old together, seeing the world through each others eyes. I wish that fate would give us that chance.
Right now, the world seems like a very cold, cruel place.
I never knew I could feel so empty. I can only say "goodbye", when the only words I want are "happily ever after".
There are no happy endings.
