2005-06-20 - 9:40 a.m.
Caution: Possibly boring content. Soul-searching, philosophic rambling. May not be suitable for small children or those with IQ's of same. If you have a history of narcolepsy and/or bubonic plague,consult your doctor before reading.
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When I was a child, my family was wealthy, and I received all the love that money can buy. Real love and appreciation were in short supply, so when my circumstances warranted I headed out on my own in search of a life that would have meaning beyond zeroes on a paycheck.
I had been sheltered from many normal aspects of life, and exposed to most of the abnormal possibilities inherent in the dysfunctional family dynamic. I found myself bewildered, with a lot of displaced anger, trying to form interpersonal relationships on even the most fundamental level. And failing. I didn't encounter anyone who could empathize with my pain and confusion. I tried talking about my past, and was met with horror and disgust, told I was broken and stained beyond redemption.
As a result, for many years I hid my past, hid my scars, and built up a facade to mask my real self. I consoled myself that any rejection was of the persona, not the person. I lashed out, at others, at myself, at the world. I retreated into books, and clung desperately to any personal connections that came my way. I was needy, clingy, damaged,angry,and deeply frightened of just about everything and everyone. I punished myself, and everyone around me. I had a volatile temper, and no real understanding of who I was, what I wanted, or where I was going. I woke up one morning and realized that my predominant personality traits were almost identical with my father's. I knew I had to change, or die. I changed.
No one who knows me now would even recognize the person I was in my twenties. Which is a good thing, since my predominant emotion concerning those times is deep shame. I have forced myself to face and conquer whole armies of fears and doubts and traumas. I am nowhere near a victory, but the improvements have been vast and fairly steady. I found the roots of my anger, my rage, and by coming to terms with them (to a degree) I have eradicated my temper. I very rarely get angry, and when I do, I no longer lash out and seek to damage others. I found the roots of my selfishness...the inability I had to take others into account in almost any situation. I went a little bit too far to the opposite extreme...I have a tendency to put others before myself, often to my own detriment. I'm working on this.
I still have a tendency to latch on to anything which looks like happiness, an almost pathological need to be loved. A need for validation. But being aware of these tendencies has allowed me to filter a bit...the people I love now are worthy of me. They have invariably, for the past several years, been best friends... if not equals, then very close.
And now...Thomas. A true equal. Equally smart, witty, insecure, optimistic, talented, sincere, and expansive. He and I share a deep excitement for life, knowledge, growth, creation. I am proud to be with him, and, for the first time in any relationship, I have no hesitations or doubts when introducing him to people I care about. I know he will never be an embarassment to me, I will never have to apologize for him or feel even the slightest shame. We share the same values, the same outlook on life, the same dreams and goals (for the most part). He has a skosh more ambition than I, and an actual work ethic. I find that very sexy. The most important thing to me is that we respect each other.
Let me emphasize that: He respects me. Scars and all. Panic attacks, impetuousness, bitchiness, et al. We talk about everything, no matter how painful. We encourage each other, and are broadening each other's horizons. There are plenty of doubts and reservations on both sides, but no hesitations, nothing unspoken, just honesty. Maybe this will go nowhere. Maybe neither of us is ready for a relationship of this depth and magnitude. No matter what the end results, I will always have his friendship, and he will have mine. So, if the worst possible outcome is that we will be true friends, there is nothing to lose. We can only win, and thrive, and, I hope, triumph.
I hope my friends will see the strong connection we have, how well we work with each other, and give us their blessings and support. So far, everyone he has met has loved him. And for himself, not just for my sake. Of course, he has received numerous death threats if he causes me pain, but that's what friends are for. Thomas is an unqualified delight, and, for now at least, we are deeply happy. I hope you all will be happy for us.
Thanks for listening.
