2005-06-16 - 3:47 p.m.
Well. It would be really nice if my friends (?)trusted my judgement and/or my ability to get past my damage. Too much too fast? Absolutely. Does this concern me? You bet. I've been accused of being dishonest to myself...covering up my motivations etc. This is incorrect. Do I have a pattern of caring about people who don't deserve it? Yes. Do I invest too much in the people I care about? Yes. Do I jump into the situations that arise in my life without counting costs or thinking too far ahead? Yes. Am I unaware of this and not taking it into account? You be the judge. Thomas and I have discussed all of this...my past, my relationship history, my damage,my fears etc. Even the rebound possibility has been discussed. His response:Life is too short not to take chances. Grab happiness with both hands, and if the situation warrants and both parties care enough, any problems which arise in the future can be overcome. I am deeply angry to be dismissed so callously, to have judgements made by people who have never even met Thomas or seen how we interact with each other. Am I going to slow things down a bit? Yes. Why? Because I want this, whatever it is, to last. Not because others have no faith in me. No one has ever understood me so well and so quickly. No one has ever really appreciated me for what I am and what I can be. Maybe because he's European, maybe because he's a Virgo, maybe because he's so much like me...I'm not sure the reason why, nor do I feel it really matters. He and I think the same, feel the same, react to things the same way. We understand each other. He sees my damage, my insecurities,my fears...and he accepts them as part of me. He and I are going to help heal each other. We'll get past my weirdnesses and his and see what's on the other side. It saddens me that people who should know me well cannot see anything but my damage, and completely dismiss the idea that I could ever learn from my past and my mistakes.I am a hell of a lot more than my scars...Yes, my progress has been mostly baby steps, but I acknowledge my faults and try to overcome them. I'm not there yet...maybe I'll never be completely whole. It seems my friends want me to stay lonely and alone until all my issues are resolved...Well, honestly, that could be never. Instead of waiting for something that may never happen and throwing away something incredibly valuable in the meantime, I will continue to be open and honest about my feelings and see if we can't forge something beautiful anyway. I have no interest in deluding him or myself. He has his own problems. I think we will each be able to improve ourselves more easily with each other's support and insights than either of us could alone. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe they're right...the one thing I know for certain is that you can't win if you don't play. I'm willing to risk anything but his happiness...If he's willing to take this risk as well, and if we care enough to deal with the insecurities,fears,and doubts that will invariably arise, if we strive to change and grow together, there is no godamned reason we shouldn't be happy. In the end, with all their wisdom, I don't see much happiness in those who are prophesying doom. Whatever works for them is fine, but I am not them and they are not me. Loneliness is not the only path to wisdom. We may stumble, we may fall, but we'll pick each other up and find our own way. Together.
