2005-06-15 - 6:12 a.m.
All right,kiddies,back by popular demand...the uncensored Gwyn with no mentions of you-know-who.
There have been so many rapid changes in my life of late that my head is spinning...Not so much changes,per se,as complete utter reversals. It seems as if every few years I recquire my life to perform a complete meltdown in order to jump-start me into soul-searching, self-improvement,and growth.
I think that I have a habit of getting too complacent...When things are going well, I sit back and enjoy them rather than moving forward in a consistent manner. I need to concentrate more on constant progress rather than the old fits-and-starts approach. When I'm happiest is when I most tend to rest on my laurels and stagnate a bit.
In work, I need to be challenged. In relationships, I need someone who will grow and change with me. Both are not easy to find.
And right now, I'm at something of an impasse... My friends counsel me strongly to remain single, to devote a year or more to celibacy and philosophical development. I agreed with them a month ago, but I really feel now that the stimulation I have been receiving through deep communication and interaction of late is helping me enormously to focus and redefine my goals, expectations, etc. I'm not sure how to resolve this...Is happiness more valuable than solitary reflection? Am I falling into the trap of seeking stimulus and recognition in others rather than myself? Are all of these things mutually exclusive? Am I trying to justify unhealthy behaviors, or is this the healthiest thing I have ever encountered?
I'm feeling things that I can't define, feeling strongly and with a weird certainty. Should I give in to panic/logic, or listen to my heart? The only thing I know for sure is that this is not a rebound thing...this is unique and of value completely independent of any previous attachments. But what about on his part? Am I consolation and distraction? How to be sure? And does it matter in the long run? Is joy now worth the risk of pain later? I do believe so...
What I see is enormous potential...but is there an actuality? It seems like too much, too fast...but isn't that how it would happen? A recognition...We are not getting to know each other, it's more like re-learning. I know that makes no sense, but there is an intense connection and feeling of coming home. Am I deluding myself, seeing what may not really be there just because I want it so much? And can two virgos really be together for long without driving each other insane? Or everyone around us?
I am baffled...and deeply afraid.
So...a public opinion poll: Jump in or Run away
You decide and let me know, then I'll tell y'all to go to hell and do what I want anyway.
