2005-06-07 - 2:30 p.m.
Why I Plan to Become a Hermit or the Geek in a Carny Sideshow
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Everywhere I go, I either see HIM or someone is just dying to relate to me what he's been saying about me in drunken conversations with his friends. I really don't want to believe he is telling people he was only with me because he lost his job, and that he dumped me as soon as he found a new one. I don't want to believe he is referring to me as "the crazy stalker bitch" and laughing about my pain. I have to believe there was a real connection there, a real friendship, something...
This town is too small, too claustrophobic and incestual. For the next six months at least, I am not going to leave my house except to work and buy smokes. And I'm shopping far outside this neighborhood. I'm going to avoid everyone I know except Christian and Neil, so I don't have to hear the second and thirdhand accounts of what he's saying and doing. It's not helping me to get over this, it's just making it worse.
I want to stop thinking about him all the time, to stop dreaming about him every night and waking up crying every morning. He is so embedded in my mind...The other day, I was browsing the science section of a bookstore. I found a book I knew he would love and added it to my stack without any sort of conscious thought process. When I got my bag of books home, there it was. I couldn't think of what else to do with it, so I inscribed it "Here's your lovely parting gift. Thanks for playing." and left it under the windshield wiper of his car. I hope he found it before it started raining or someone ganked it, but I will most likely never know. Hmmm...in retrospect, I could see how this could have added to the whole stalker thing...Not my intention,though. Ah well, I've realized that this whole hurtful breakup is a zero-sum game with me on the zero end...I can't win. I will never have him back. He will never again be my friend. I just wish I could understand why.
